me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
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I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”