The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
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I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
mmm onion ringos
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.