Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
You Might Also Like
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night