H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
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kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
good for her
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
😆this is so true
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Chicago sounds lovely.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Good morning.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.