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This is enough internet for the day.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail