My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
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Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
bought wrong eggs