2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
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Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
🤣🤣
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar