You know I’m something of a chef myself
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*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Seals are just dog mermaids.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .