pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
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[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Yes
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.