I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
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Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Happens to everyone.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.