Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
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Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Namaste
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists