Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me