Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
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look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
awkward
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Buying a well is money well spent.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you