boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
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wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?