My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
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So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Never forget.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.