I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
You Might Also Like
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
starting a garage orchestra
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Saw online –
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.