TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
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Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house