I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
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Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
BRAKING NEWS!!
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.