And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
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DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.