If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
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This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
dam girl
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.