[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
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Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
The dark side of Canada
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair