It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
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I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
*jingles half the way*
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???