In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
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Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.