Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
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I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth