I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
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Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
My safe word is Worcestershire
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”