I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
You Might Also Like
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Challenge accepted.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??