Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
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My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
dutch is not a serious language
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.