Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
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My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
scrabbled eggs
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send