It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
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This is hilarious….
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Chemical wingman
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I painted a hot chick with big jugs