If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
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When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
oh u like geography? name every lake
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.