an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
You Might Also Like
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Breaking news:
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.