[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
when you don’t want to be too vague
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.