People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
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My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Gods work.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.