Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
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doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.