Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
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But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.