11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
You Might Also Like
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
*aggressively waits in line*
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.