Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
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Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
the only organized thing in my life is crime
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Remember folks 😂
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”