*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
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[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.