If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
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For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
screw you
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.