Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
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My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
what?