“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
You Might Also Like
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”