I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
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You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail