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Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link