I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
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A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.