Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
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My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.