My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
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Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.