Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
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Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.