As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
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Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
There is no “we” in pizza
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo