You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
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If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…