Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
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Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Tough love is true love
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system